Rejoice in the wife of your youth. Proverbs 5:18
When people say, "I do," they have two expectations for their marriage: that it will be happy and permanent. One marriage counselor, Norman Wright, even says it is a condition many make for their marriage. (One Marriage Under God, 134).
From our experience we know that not all marriages end up happy and lasting. We also know that not all marriages that last a long time are necessarily happy much of the time. Even in a long term, permanent marriage, couples can experience sadness.
But here is another truth I’ve seen work out: deep, abiding happiness often does not come in the early stages of marriage. A deep happiness that permeates the whole relationship may not come for many years. There are reasons for why happiness is delayed in many marriages.
One reason is that happiness is a changing quality. As we age and mature our needs change, so what we think we need for happiness changes as well. In our early years we might think that business success, a right education and living in a certain place are what we need for happiness. Later we learn that healthy relationships are what matter, no matter where we live or how much money we make.
Another reason for delayed happiness is that the individuals within the marriage need time to mature. Many enter marriage thinking their needs will be met. The irony is that the other person is thinking the same thing. So two people come together expecting the other one to meet their needs, and not thinking seriously enough about how they are going to meet the other person’s needs. They are on a single lane highway driving toward each other in high gear. Only after numerous clashes and crashes may they begin to see the perspective of the other person. It takes time for maturity to grow. Until it does, happiness will remain on the back burner.
A third reason for delayed happiness in marriage is that happiness is not a goal; happiness is a by-product. We don’t work for happiness. Working for happiness is like trying to grasp steam or vapor. You see it, you grab it, and its gone. Happiness is a state of mind we experience after we have done the hard work of being honest, faithful, loving and serving. Happiness is a by-product of sticking in that relationship and working hard to make it work, no matter what the obstacles.
Sadly, true happiness in marriage eludes many people because they don’t stick with each other long enough to find out it was within reach all the time! A little less self-centeredness, a little less criticism, a little more thinking about the needs of the spouse, and happiness will start making itself felt in the relationship.
No matter how much you may be struggling in your marital relationship right now it is important to remember that happiness is always close at hand. But you can’t grab it. Happiness is not a static quality we can possess and control. Rather, happiness is a quality that comes to us as we deny ourselves and extend ourselves to others. Happiness is the contentment, the peace of mind and the closeness we share with our mate when we have walked the path together.
Happiness and contentment are the reward to those who have stuck to their vows and have persevered over 20, 30, 40, even 50 years. It is the culmination of years of merging two lives into one. Can you see why it is so important to stay true to your vows and faithful to your spouse?
Good things come to those who work selflessly for an objective larger than themselves. Happiness in marriage is one of those good things.
Warren Baldwin
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54 comments:
Great post and much needed. Thank you for speaking to us from years of experience. Your post today will encourage many to keep on keeping on, growing and maturing. (I am sending this from my wife's computer since she is using mine right now. Clif)
"Happiness is not a goal, it is a byproduct."
Profound truth right there. The source of happiness is our goal to enjoy, discover and ultimately adore.
Ironically enough, we can say the same for our spouses. When I gave up trying to 'work' on him {which I thought was loving him} and let go of my expectations, our marriage took on a different dimension.
It's sad that many marriages are dissolving nowadays. Our solar system have all these planets revolving around the sun for so many, many years. The planets don't go anywhere but just orbit in the same pathway, steady. When couples understand the need for Christ or the "Son" to be in the center of our marriage, they know that their marriage is steady because of His bond, seasons after seasons. Have a great weekend. God bless.
Oh Warren,
This is my experience in a nut shell. Married at 18 years old (mature for my age...but that ain't sayin much) and thinking that my hubby was going to rescue me from the 18 years of verbal and emotional abuse I received from an alcoholic dad. On the honeymoon I discovered the error of my thinking. :) I remember calling my mom and saying, "I have married my brother." We fought as much as I did with my siblings. He was an only child from a two income home...I, the eldest of three, from a one income home and an abusive environment. Oh...I could go on and on, but you have read my blog and know that even after 13 years of marriage and 16 years of being together and 8 years of the Lord taking control of my life; I am still learning to lay down myself and my baggage and embrace the fact that real happiness comes from forgiving others, serving others, and LOVING AND WORSHIPING GOD WITH ALL THAT IS IN YOU! Your spouse CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT be your God!
Thanks for this post...it was awesome!!
So very true, and I'd have to say that trust goes hand in hand with happiness in marriage. And for some of us, it takes a lot of years to gain the amount of trust we need, to finally let our guard down enough to let happiness grow.
Amen. My husband and I were just talking about marriage, happiness, etc. on a long car ride today. We are thankful to share a beautiful marriage and as we shared we realized one of the major keys has been communication. We always talk things out even if we are cranky about the others thoughts or prospective. I am truly blessed. Thank you, Warren, for reminding me of the blessing of happiness in my marriage.
Andrea
This is such wonderful advice. I wish every married couple had the opportunity to read it early in their marriage. I think it would prevent a lot of heartache.
I was a little shocked to see the comment under my name at the top even though Clif told me what he had done. My first thought was "Did I already read this, comment, and completely forget about it? I was relieved to see it was Clif and then I remembered he told me about it. LOL
Thank you for sharing this timely piece.
Blessings,
Charlotte
Great post, Warren. Thank you!
although, unmarried, I see the value of which you place this in all areas of life and cherish every word of it!
Excellent word!! Enjoyed this~
A beautiful post, thank you. My husband and I have been married for 27 years. We of course have had ups and downs, we love each other. I think as much as that we are also good friends. It has taken a little time for that to happen and we will continue to grow.
God bless you Anne
That was one of my favorite verses..
Marriage is one of the most sacred union especially in the eyes of God. Those who understood the sanctity and abide with the love of God will find great contentment and happiness. It is true, Warren.
~Silver
Thank-you so much for sharing this thought with Spiritual Sunday. I truly hope that there will be lots of young adults reading this. It is so true people give up to easy.
Blessings,
Ginger
So well said/written. One who is working toward anniversary 51 I bare witness!!
Susan
Ah, yes! We married 51 years ago. We said, "I do," and we DID! Life is beautiful as our love has grown, and now it is golden.
Such a lovely post.
Warren,
This is so true and the heartfelt wish of each person to realize this before they get married. Once more happiness is a fruit of the spirit that must come from experiencing a life filled with God. Only with God's help can most marriages last. We must build on the right foundation to ensure the building process will be easier.
Imagine building a new home on an unlevel piece of ground. Each step of the way, you will have to make adjustments just to get things to attempt to fit. The higher you go the more adjustments you need to make and the results will never be what you had hoped or desired.
So if we start off right, with the right faith and the true expectations each step of our journeys will be straight and true and the end results will be not only what we desired but more than we have ever hoped was possible.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
My husband and I have been married for 24 years. Our marriage did not get really strong until he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. Very devastating to say the least. He did choose to have his prostrate removed, thankfully. But for a man, the repercussions could be extremely devastating to not only his self esteem but a relationship. After that I told him, a body part does not make a man, a life does. He has been declared cancer free for 1 year. And we have begun dating again!!!!! Our urologist told both of us that many men decide not to have the surgery and end up dead. I believe if love is really evident, it will come through no matter what tragedy hits. Today, we are stronger than ever and are planning on resaying our vows next year on our 25th wedding anniversary. Yes divorce seems to be the norm these days. But anything worth having is hard work. And both of us are willing to love hard, laugh hard, and work hard to keep the strength of our marriage growing.
Very wise words. It takes lots of hard work to make a happy marriage.
Very enlightening! Sometimes two people are just all wrong for each other but often problems could be worked through in the way you mentioned. I see some people who come to my blog who have tried and tried to make things work but the other person isn't trying. The other person isn't willing to go to counseling either. In that case, after a while, what choice does the person have?
Warren,
Great post and thank you for your comments on my Spiritual Sunday post today.
Jean
Very well said my friend and so very true. Thank you so much for visiting my blog. What a blessing you are to me and others. God bless and keep you my new friend.
Warren -- Yes you may use the post "Broken Church" on your program. I'd be honored.
And, as for this post: With 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce -- (or is it more now?) -- I'd like to shout this post from the mountaintops. As I read this one, I thought of all the married couples I know who worked through some horrific things in their relationships, rather than giving up. They've come out on the other side of the pain, grasping hold of one another as God grasps hold of them.
Great work here.
Much of what you said resonates with me. You are very right about happiness. It's hard to grasp and then when we think we have what will make us happy, that idea changes.
My husband and I have an anniversary this week. Nine years. I know it's not that long in the grand scheme of things, but it's a tremendous accomplishment for us. We've worked through so much and have only just begun to see the amazing kind of relationship we can have and the awesome path we're on.
Thank you so much for this post!
Hi Warren,
Great post! Very wise words! Good things come to those who wait and it's a pity two young people in a marriage are not so willing to wait any longer. Like fast food, they want everything now. I am blessed to have married my best friend and it was like that from the beginning. I am not a wine drinker but I do believe marraige is like a fine wine; it gets better with age. Thank you for sharing today.
Blessings,
Sandi
I loved this post especially since we just celebrated our anniversary this past week. Marriage is hard work and you are so right about the selfishness tendencies we get that trip us up in it. But oh that hard work is soooooo worth it!
Wonderful post Warren. I think it is easy to "fall in love" it is much harder to "stay in love." One thing that has helped in my marriage is that we both realize that we will change and grow, and we will continue to do that together, accepting one another for where and who we are today.
This is an excellent post Warren. It is so needed for so many to hear today!
Warren, I think this is one of my favorite posts of yours. I do feel like happiness in marriage does evolve and grow as we mature. I can relate very well to your line that "happiness is a changing quality". In my marriage, I am working to move out of a plateau phase and try to reach new heights in our relationship. I think that we are so caught up in child rearing that we forgot to prioritize our happiness as a couple.
What a timely message for marriage in today's quick fix world. I honestly didn't really love my husband when we got married. Seven years into the marriage I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I promised if he would save my husband, that I would love him and together we would serve the Lord. God answered that prayer 7 years to the day. I am now madly in love with my husband. There's an old song with lyrics that say "Love the one you're with." That's what I decided to do, and am I ever glad I did!
Warren, Thank you for a wonderful post on marriage. It is a wise and rewarding post about the happiness in a marriage. We know a happy marriage doesn't just happen. I agree that it evolves and changes over time. Blessings to those who make a commitment and stick to it. Marriage takes lots of give and take and if respect for each other is strong. Your marriage has a chance to survive. We have been married 46 years and are still devoted to each other. Was it always easy? No, but the commitment is always been important to us. It is easy to say, we have always loved each other.
Blessings...Jeanne
Thanks for sharing beautiful message.
My post is here.
http://regina-myfavorite.blogspot.com/2009/02/heart-matters.html
Love the post and agree with all of you. I know falling in love is the easy part, staying as Daveda says is the hard part. I have 15 years experience in this area and not all happy times (happy now)But it is- marriage that is God ordained, and Jesus never said it would be easy to follow Him did he?God has to be #1 then your spouse, all else will fall into place.
Make your marriage centered around God, it will be the easiest choice you ever make.
WONDERFUL advice, Warren! We celebrated only our 10th this past summer, but I can tell you I've already learned a few of the things you're talking about. You definitely grow as a human being if you work at your marriage...I think it makes you a better person and the happiness does definitely grow over time as you have more and more appreciation for each other.
Hi Warren,
Great post as usual. :-) I love how you defined happiness as a by-product of our deeds. I hadn't thought about that before.
Also, so true about a couple's expectations for marriage.
Awesome Post Warren! My wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have good times and bad times, but we have both taken a vow in Front of God to be there for the other no matter what! I intend to keep that promise I have made to God and my wife. I also promise to try to become closer to her everyday and to think of her needs before mine.
Keep the Faith!
Steve
Terrific post, Warren. ( I thought I commented - don't know where it went). Husband and I have been married for 22 years. I'm happy to report that we have found the "Comfortable and contented with each other" phase. Plus throw in a large dose of happiness.
I wish I could know what it was like to be married to the same person all my married life. Unfortunately I don't, but your thoughts are good and I'm glad you have had this experience.
Warren,
This post is so close to my heart. My husband and I went through a very difficult time after our second son was born. But we were committed to sticking it out (though at times I questioned God in this...just being honest), and our relationship today is richer than the day we were married. It is amazing the intimacy that making it through tough times bring. It is something that is difficult to explain to those newlyweds, but thank you for trying. This is something I am very passionate about. As a child of divorce, I know first hand the silent damage this accepted practice can cause in our children.
bravo.
Warren, this was a great post. My husband and I are a couple who have learned (and are still learning)this is so true. I wish I could give this article to every young married or engaged couple I know.
many blessings to you and your family!
Hi Warren,
Your post is excellent.
Derek and I have had many bumps along our marriage road. It's true "hurting people hurt people." We both brought our dirty laundry into the marriage. Both came from broken families.
I had high expectations (sometimes still do) and Derek didn't know how to meet them. Many times those expectations went unspoken. Walls were built. But over the years(18 now)we've learned a few things that have helped. And things are better. Not best, but better for sure. We are committed to each other through it all. And with God, we are moving forward together towards HIS design for marriage.
I love this sentence you wrote, "Rather, happiness is a quality that comes to us as we deny ourselves and extend ourselves to others."
Marriage is definitely a shared experience. Extending ourselves to one another is huge is marriage. And in life.
I must say I'm still learning how to love my husband. And he's a great godly man. But it's easier for me to love my female friends than men. Just being real. I think because of my s*xual abuse from my childhood. Men were not safe. Not that that's a good excuse, but I am aware of my natural tendencies to push Derek away. And I healed a lot in this area too, but I still have a ways to go. I continue to ask God for courage to give and receive love in my marriage. I've written about my trust journey in FOTF.
Thank you for making me think this morning.
Appreciate your ministry, Warren. May the Lord grant you much favor and HIS happiness.
Tiffany
After 39 years of marriage, I agree with you completely. I am so grateful for God's grace in our marriage, that He gave us the heart to commit to each other no matter what. Even in difficult times, there was no consideration given for ending our marriage...it was forever. My son and DIL came very close to divorce last year, but again, the love and grace of God saved them and my grandgirls from a painful fate. He can bring us to forgiveness of even the worse hurts, if we love Him more than our own lives. Thanks for this wonderful post...God bless you!
Mary
Great post, Warren. As a still newly married woman, I am right in the middle of learning how to be married and that my marriage does not exist to make me happy. That is such a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I am so grateful for the premarital counseling we had. As part of our counseling, we wrote covenant statements to each other. We were told they could say whatever we wanted as long as the message was loud and clear that neither one of us was going anywhere, ever. We were to reassure one another that we were in it for the long haul. When the going gets tough, knowing that divorce is not even an option on the table, really helps us to sit down, dig in and resolve to work together for the good of our marriage. I have much to learn from long-time marriages like yours. Thanks for the post!
This a a wonderful post...good food for thought!
Having been married fro 41 years we feel very blessed to know what a precious gift a good marriage is!
Well I guess the same line struck me as struck others "happiness is not a goal; happiness is a by-product". Unfortunately my first marriage was neither happy nor lasting. But because God is good even when we are not, I was provided with a loving, honorable second husband who does want to meet my needs and I his.
There is so much wisdom here that I am going to send my engaged daughter to this post...this is too important a lesson not to pass on
Warren,
I come from a long line of divorce and then even I was married and divorced at the age of 21. I couldn't believe I was divorced. I hated myself and thought ....how will I ever find anyone who wants to be with someone at my age who has already been divorced. I felt like such a failure! Fast forward 10 yrs. I had been married for 10 yrs now and we were in trouble! We sat across the table from one another in a meeting with a life coach. Her number one question was this?
Are you committed to this marriage? She asked each one of us. We both said yes and with that she said ok...then together~ we can make it work. No matter what! It will be hard~ VERY HARD, you will want to quit at times BUT together with God you CAN and will make it!
Now as we help others in troubled times in their marriage we ask them the same thing. Being happy in marriage has so many different definitions. The easy road is the one that the world offers and that is to divorce and walk away....but what people don't realize is that those same issues will come up again and again in some form no matter who they are with until they are faced adn conquered. They will continue to go around the same mountain time after time until they face it and work through it.
"lasting" takes committment, work, being honest with yourselves and each other and allowing the LORD to lead you every step of the way. I know not everyone is willing ....they believe it is too late or it is too hard etc. BUT with the right help and God by their side together they can make it.....Myself and my husband and many others that we know are living proof!
Norman Wright is a helpful author for couples. So are you.
http://www.corneliaseigneur.com/
I particularly liked what you said about young people expecting the spouse to make them happy. In my opinion, when you finally discover that you are responsible for molding yourself into someone you like, then true happiness can blossom between you and your spouse.
That's a sad misconception that many young people have these days ~ that another person will bring them happiness. I like how you said it was a state of mind, because we have the ability to choose being happy in any given situation.
Great post.
This is so true. My husband and I have experienced that deep love and happiness in our marriage in these latter years of our 33 years of marriage. It's as if God wears off those sharp points and edges of our personalities as we "bump in to" each other. Instead of thinking, "My husband is supposed to make me happy," now I think, "How can I make him happy?"
WOW, what a lot of comments. Please feel free to quote me. Thanks.
Fantastic post, Warren! Thanks so much for drawing my attention to it. It reminded me of one of my most favorite books in all the world - "The Missing Piece Meets The Big O" by Shel Silverstein. I share it with clients all the time.
I guess after 13 years of marriage, it is good to know that our good times so far will pale in comparison to the good times ahead. In fact, that is a really wonderful thought, given what good times Chemaine and I have had - despite some rough spots here and there.
My husband and I have been married for 33 years. We have reached that point of joy in our marriage that you have described as coming after many decades of marriage. Our love has matured and now we each look to see how we can best meet the needs of the other. I've sent a link to your article to all three of my sons and daughters-in-law.
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