Moms and dads generally approach parenting from two different extremes. One extreme is unlimited freedom or liberty for the child to speak and behave. Generally, this approach believes that a child’s personality and creative bent can be hindered if restraints are placed upon him. A child needs to think, explore and experience all different kinds of things, and from these experiences he learns what is right and wrong and what he likes and doesn’t like. He is also forming the building blocks of his personality, character and future career choice. Any limiting of the child’s desires or actions could interfere with this development.
I understand the concern of these parents. But I am also concerned about what such liberty will do to a child in a negative way.
I knew a college professor who taught psychology and who held to this freedom-approach to parenting. He believed it was wrong to restrain children through any means other than reasoning with them and, when that failed, pleading with them. "Ok kids, please clean your rooms. Please. Please?!" Or, "Kids, don’t yell at your mother, and don’t call her stupid. Your mother has a right to her opinions, too. Please kids, be nice to her. Stop that." This man allowed his kids freedom of speech and behavior. One day, one of their sons who was about eight years old at the time got very belligerent toward the mother. When he stepped out onto the front porch she locked the door to keep him out. When found he was locked out, he became extremely angry, yelling at his mother and demanding to be allowed back in! When his mother didn’t allow him entry, the boy literally kicked the front door in. No parental action was taken against the boy.
In my opinion, this approach to parenting produces monsters. Children raised with too much liberty in decision making and behavior begin to think that everyone and everything else exists for their enjoyment. They can become abusive verbally and physically. They do not learn internal discipline. Later on, as older children, teenagers, and even adults, they will act out against anyone who tries to restrict them. If they never learn to respect parental authority, they will never respect any other authority, either teachers, policeman or God.
Furthermore, these children never learn the principle of behavior having consequences. If they are allowed to hit their little brother or sister and never get in trouble for it, then why should they get in trouble if they hit another child at school a few years later? When they are adults, if they speak harshly toward a co-worker on the job, why should they get reprimanded for that? If they steal candy bars or cars, why should they get in trouble with the law? The permissive style of parenting never prepared them to understand the principle of actions having consequences. What consequences can you see ahead for a child who is allowed too much liberty too early in life?
Warren Baldwin
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26 comments:
Your post speaks to me in so many ways as a parent. My husband and I notice how many of our son's classmates show little or no respect for adults. Their parents seem disinterested or oblivious to this behavior. I'm amazed by the self-centered approach to life that many kids are demonstrating these days. There is a callousness to these kids who think that they can do or say anything without consequence. I worry about the lack of conscience that seems so pervasive today.
Hi Warren, first in regards to the comment you left me, I think the reason you have this blog is great! all families need encouragement in the Word. I have three boys, my oldest is 18 and over those 18 years I have most definitely needed encouragement and guidance at times.
I agree with this post full circle. I think that the sad part of this "free style" parenting is that it does not teach children to hear or even listen to the Spirit of God. God teaches me in my own life that if His children, including the ones He has entrusted me to raise, can hear His voice and be lead by His spirit, not following the "rules" or lack of respect would not be a problem in so many lives. This "free style" parenting only teaches children to listen to their flesh. Good post Warren!
I hope you have time to join us this week for Blogger Appreciation. God is already doing some awesome works here.
Very valuable post. And Septembermom, I know what you mean, though I have removed my daughter from traditional school in favor of homeschool. The problem is that often, parents ignore their children's self-centered attitudes because of the same self-centeredness. They don't want to take the steps necessary to produce unselfish, self-controlled children. Consistency and role modeling are hard work--it's easier to hand your children over to the schools as wild beasts and expect the schools to raise them for you. In a way, teachers are at the greatest missionary point of contact in our culture. Hmmmm. I'm not sure I want to reflect on that point too deeply. LOL!
Yes, this is a great post. I see it a lot at my work where some inmates don't have fear of any authority. You just wonder how they were brought up.
I share this with my teenage son how a lot of parents just want to be their children's "friends", thinking it's cool to be that way.
But my husband and I tell our son, we are your friends, too in a sense that you can trust us to be there for you when you need help/advices. But we are your parents who will not tolerate any wrongdoings. I believe when we instill that kind of reverential fear to the Lord first, that's what truly sets their paths straight.
My son said he understands because he sees it at school where there are so many disrespectful students and he doesn't like what he sees. As parents, may we all respect our Father's authority first, before we can guide our own children. To God be the glory. Thank you for your thought-provoking posts.
Thank you for the post, Warren. I have two children of my own and it's a struggle many days to parent in the "right" way, or at least the way we feel God is leading us to.
I feel my husband and I lean a little bit more to the other extreme. I don't believe we're too strict but we enforce discipline for unsuitable behavior and try to instill morals and values and simple good manners.
As far as the unlimited freedom approach, I can see a lot of outcomes from it that don't benefit the child. The biggest is a lack of responsibility. When my daughter's grow up, I want them to be responsible and to care what direction their life is going. I want them to be strong and smart and most definitely I want them to trust in God. If we can't set that example for them now, it will be more difficult for them to find it on their own later.
Excellent post. I have always maintained that what you see from a child in public, they have probably learned at home. If they misbehave in a store or a restaurant, they no doubt act the same at home, with no consequences. As for consequences, I see that child (in answer to your question), probably getting in with the wrong crowd, doing less than acceptable things, and maybe looking out through bars in a few years. Sad, but true.
My wife learned early on as a teacher that children don't crave freedom, they crave boundaries. They need rules and they need to know the consequences of not obeying them. And that thinking has served us both well as parents.
Great post, WB!
SeptemberMom - I think you are right to connect this kind of disrespect on the part of some children and disinterest on the part of their parents with self-centeredness, callousness and a hardened conscience. Sadly, it may take the reality of the police, lawyers and the court system to provide the "Great Awakening" later on!
Daveda - thanks, and good comments. Hearing the voice of God vs. hearing our own voices is a challenge, and it is up to us parents to help them pick the right voice to follow! Thanks.
Rosslyn - I definitely agree with your points on self-centeredness, like SeptemberMom. Schools, summer sports programs, the church, are often the "dumping off points" for parents who want to have kids but want someone else to raise them. Parenting is hard, but I believe God gives us all the resources necessary to accomplish the task.
Thanks for the comments. wb
A balance is always good-my mom allowed us to ask questions while growing up. it was never, "because I said so" and yet we respected her so much as she had high standards for us. my husband and I parent with flexibility and love and understanding and compassion and the Word of God. . .all the while focusing on the heart of our children-so many parents it is about the external action, while their hearts remain far from the parents and from God. . .nice thoughts here...
RCUBES - Great lesson to teach your son! In time, as when he is in college or beyond, you will be able to be your son's friend. But right now he needs parents. I'll have a little more about this in a future post.
Cindy - I'll post more about the other extreme - being too strict - in a few days (or a week, I don't know yet). Either extreme poses some problems. But, it is easier to withdraw from being too strict than it is from being to lax or lenient. Also, as your girls grow, learn about life, understand safety and good decision making, you will natural release some of your grip anyway, b/c your girls are emotionally stable and mature enough for you to trust them. Good comments, thanks.
MontanaGirl - I appreciate your encompassing view of life. Yes, I think you are right ... if we don't teach our children discipline when they are young, the legal and prison system may have to take over for us! That is a tough consequence.
Billy - Your wife is right. As Rosslyn mentioned above, the school system is one area where we see clearly the problem of children not being taught discipline and respect at home. I've been in classes with teachers, and I've been asked to resource teach high school classes on proper behavior - some of these teachers have a tough job!
I will add here - Praise God for the parents who are teaching respect and discipline, and for those GREAT kids who take those lessons to heart! wb
I agree with much of what others have said. I think clearly the Bible tells us that we are all born sinful. It's our God-given job as parents to help our children learn to obey the parent's will so that in doing so they are trained to obey God's will. Great thoughts!
Warren,
I have had the experience of dealing with both the children raised in the way you have spoken of, and the parents of said children.
While I try not to judge them, I have found that children test the limits of what we allow. Society in general does not allow people to do whatever they want just because they are allowing children to 'figure it out'. I mean do they allow children to walk into a store and just take anything because they 'feel like it?' or how about speeding because they want to go faster.
This type of parenting is setting these children up for failure in some respects because that is not how the world runs. Thank God, literally for that.
The reason for 'guidelines' or rules is simply to aid them in development for success later in life. In both situations I have described above, the children did not do well later in life, and were frustrated in their efforts to do things 'their own way'. One even spent time in jail.
I wonder if his parents would think differently now or just blame him for the decision 'he' made.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Hello again :) Yes, please check back to sign-up with Mr. Linky. He seems to be having a rough week! He keeps disappearing on us.
so glad you found me~!I love reading your blog!
Being Loved By Him, With You,
Daveda
Great post. It's a difficult decision to make - which parenting style to choose especially at the point we are at with a very young son. I do a lot of reading and try to use my experience, background and education to make the decisions. I definitely want to raise a person who is kind, considerate and caring and someone who is a contributor to the world instead of someone who feels that they are owed something. Lots to think about after reading your post.
Jody - I think you summarized well a parents task - to train the children to obey the parents so they can obey God.
Kat - you are describing the exact situation I was implying when I said that if children aren't taught to respect parental authority they won't respect autority at school or in society. Many will end up in jail. Much of that can be avoided with parents who teach and train. Thanks for these examples.
Thanks Daveda. I'm enjoying your blog, too.
Thanks Kim. As I mentioned in the email to you, we will be constantly evaluating and re-evaluationg our role as parents, how well we are getting through to our kids, and how we need to change and adjust. It is an exciting process!
WB
Hi Warren, thanks for leaving a comment on my blog because it led me here :) You have a great blog, full of encouragement and speaking truth in love. I like this post. I don't have kids, but to be honest...there are many self-centered monsters and brats in the world today. You just have to turn on the TV to see that. And yes, it's a reflection of parenting skills.
I'm glad I found your blog. I'm putting you on my blog list. Blessings!
I believe giving kids too much freedom at a young age will result in uncontrollable teenagers and by then it is too late. Yes I believe reasoning is appropriate but sometimes parents need to put their foot down and offer consequences so children know limits and rules are being abided by. I have two boys and have changed my parenting style with each child. However, both have been raised with having favorite items taken away and other consequences. Just recently I told my 15 year old to pack up his playstation and put it away as he was not going to see it until school had ended. Due to the tone in my voice, he promptly, without an argument, packed it away. I think another reason kids are out of control is because no one has spoken the word, 'no.'
Children need boundaries and parents need to stop being their child's friend and step up and be a parent instead.
A very sensible post. For whatever reason, on these issues far too many people seem to think it's all-or-nothing -- either complete control or complete abandonment of control and guidance. What ever happened to a reasonable proportion of both?
BTW, I've seen research on early childhood education that shows the importance of developing something called "executive function;" in learning tasks that require rule-following, e.g. formal games, very young children develop capacities that are crucial for later success in study, work, relationships, etc. The research also suggested that classrooms that omit such structure and include only unstructured "freedom" are greatly inferior in this regard. This isn't to say there's no place for unstructured time & freedom; it's again a question of balance.
Lori - I'm glad you found your way here, too. Thanks for the comment. James speaks of selfishness as being one of the basic sins that leads to all other sins/misbehavior. I'm afraid you are right, the self-centeredness we see in children is often the reflection of that same attitude in the parents.
Hope42day - I agree, the word "no" is critically important for a child to learn at a young age, and to have reinforced in the home throughout the years. Some object to it (like the psychologist above) b/c it is a limiting word. That is the very reason I am for it!
Charles - Thanks for stopping by and for your good comments. I'd like to learn more about "executive function." I've never heard this term before, but from what you describe, it makes a lot of sense.
Thanks to all.
Gosh, what a tight rope to walk. My husband is a discipline former veteran and I am a human services counselor which provides us with a little different perspective on parenting. Do you have any advice on how to work on compromise in the situation of differing parenting styles? I am interested to see what you have to say about the other extreme; to much control and discipline. I also am eager to read what you have to write about how to find the balance. I am soon starting a family; parenting and marriage blog as a way to share all I learn in my journey soon. I'll keep you updated.
Good post. I agree completely and am concerned that we are shipping self-absorbed kids out of our schools. I retired from teaching in 1996. At that time it was getting more and more difficult to control the classroom so learning could take place. I can't imagine what it's like today and am grateful I'm retired. The world has changed from a focus on God and authority to Me First-both and parents and kids. However, in today's blog I write about families that play together. I don't know if that's good or bad since all the play is focused on the kids. I pray the pendelum swings back toward God first and soon!
Katie - this can be a tight rope. But, fortunately, we have 18 years to continue to think and adjust. God shows great mercy in our parenting mistakes. If our kids know we have loving hearts and we are consistent, that is the biggest thing! I will have more about the other extreme. Thanks for visiting, commenting, and following.
Barbara - sadly, I've known a number of good teachers who retired early b/c of the classroom disruptions from disrespectful and disobedient chldren. That is sad. I hope we return to God, too!
There are many college professors like that. I ran into a few in my time. It would be interesting to see what their children are doing now. My husband and I tried to raise our three children with love and disciipline. They are now active, productive, adults. If I were to go back, I, myself, would be more consistent in my actions. Firm, but not strict. Very interesting ideas. Bravo for teaching children what's right.
My daughter is 25 now with her own little son.THe other day she thanked me for being strict with her--she doesn't want her child to bot be liked or looked at wrongly if he has poor behavior. You can be firm in love but I always said I'm the parent, and I had to set limits for her sake.
yet again, you have touched a very core of parenting issues in our society. "Choose your own battle" is the popular quote for parenting. And I can't really speak from a parent's perspective (I'm not one) but as child who came from a disciplinarian parents, I was just grateful at how our parents disciplined us^-^.
Thanks for sharing such generous thoughts on this post, Warren:))
Don't stone me, or flame me as we say in blogland, please! I think the consequence is thousands of children diagnosed with ADHD and ADD who have never been taught self control and now atre drugged as a measure of controlling them.
I am ducking...But I am also the mother of four men who were once active, rambunctious boys. They are all men I am PROUD of and they are self controlled...
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