Marriage is a Process

Marriage is a Process

Getting to know someone is a process, not a product. A product is something that can be delivered in a final form and is not subject to change. If it could talk it would say, “I’m happy being just what I am. Stop all this talk about growth and change.”

Think of a table saw, for instance. It is a finished product. It has a job it was specifically designed for, and when used as intended, accomplishes its purpose admirably well. But it will never be a piano or a commercial jet. Since it is a finished product it will forever remain a table saw.

People, however, are not finished products. Our lives our dynamic, alive, vibrant. We can dream, make plans, alter our route, try a new job and meet new people. We are never tied to a set course and programmed life, unless we choose so, and even that demonstrates that we are alive and dynamic, because we made the choice. We can just as easily choose something different.

Because our lives are dynamic and changing, our relationships are, too. They never stay exactly the same as when we first formed them. That is certainly true of our marriages.

Photo compliments of Jhen Stark Photography

As children, we relate to our parents as heroes. As teenagers, we may see them as oppressors against which we must rebel. In our twenties we realize again how smart they are. In our thirties and forties we covet their wisdom to apply to our own families. In our fifties and sixties we worry about their health and safety. Our relationship changes with them through the years.

The same thing happens with our children. As babies we provide for their every care. As toddlers we encourage their first steps in independence. As teens we monitor the degree of freedom they are mature enough to handle. As twenty and thirty year olds we honor their independence, but still provide the nurture and direction they are willing to receive. And when they are forty and fifty year olds, we hope they call us.

Relationships are never finished products. They are always subject to change, revision, refocusing. That is true of our relationships with our parents and children, and it is especially true of our most intimate relationship, our marriage.

The dynamic quality of relationships means that if we nourish them properly, they can grow deeper and more enriching, fulfilling our need for intimacy and connection. Conversely, their dynamic quality means that if we don’t nurture and care for them, they can slip into destructive attitudes and patterns, depriving us of intimacy and connection, leaving us frustrated and unfulfilled. It is important to realize that at whatever state our marriages may be in right now, they can grow and improve if we give them the proper attention.

How do we work to ensure, or at least improve the odds, that our marriages can grow healthier and more satisfying? That will be the theme for the next several lesson/chapters. For now, here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

One, remember that, individually, we are all growing and changing. Our likes and dislikes, goals and aspirations, and perspectives and values are all subject to revision. As we study, and learn, our outlook on life and the people around us will change as well. Since we are changing, we are affecting everything and everyone around us, either positively or negatively. They have to change to adjust to us.

Two, our spouses are changing as well. Their lives are as dynamic as ours, and their life-perspectives are also in flux. To stay connected, we have to embrace not only the changes in ourselves but also in our spouse, and accept them as they are.

Three, change inevitably produces some level of conflict, but it can be a healthy if we maintain our connection through communication and understanding. If we try to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of change and upheaval through fighting to keep things static, that will produce conflict of a much more destructive nature.

Photo compliments of Jhen Stark Photography

Remember, relationships are a process, not a finished product. We can never say, “We’re here! We have arrived! Ultimate happiness is ours!” There will be daily challenges to our contentment. The good news is, if today we are unhappy and discontented in our marriage, positive and hopeful change can begin right away if we take the appropriate steps. The marriage we are ready to give up on today may be the relationships that provides our greatest joy in just a few months.

What positive steps have you taken to promote marriage as a process?

Warren Baldwin

Link to Marriage Mondays.

Texting and Lying

Texting and Lying

Almost everyone knows lying is wrong, yet that doesn’t prevent a lot of lying from taking place.

Much of the lying around us is what we call “little white lies.” They are lies that likely will not create much of a ripple in the flow of life because they concern matters that are relatively insignificant, or if exposed the negative consequences to follow would be relatively negligible. Lying about where we ate lunch, a grade we made on a report, or how well we did in a game is not going to change the world or cause many people to hate us.

None-the-less, they are lies, and telling them does make an impact on our character. Over time, as we become more and more accustomed to lying, we also grow comfortable with it. In time, we will lie even when telling the truth is so much easier.

The idea of growing comfortable with lies should unnerve us just a bit. It means that our morals are corrupted and our conscience has become seared. It means that we don’t mind betraying the trust our parents, spouse, children, fellow church members or friends have placed in us. Growing comfortable with lying means that we have virtually lost all respect for other people, and we don’t even have much respect for ourselves.

People eventually identify those who are prone to lie. When they do, word seems to seep out to everyone in fairly short order, and the general consensus becomes you can’t believe anything that particular person says. Lying does eventually catch up to us and, when it does, it can be incredibly embarrassing when we lose our standing in the communities that are important to us: home, church, work.

Sadly, modern technology seems to make it even easier to lie. A recent article by Athima Chansanchai says that people are more prone to lie through text messaging than through any other medium of communication.

Athima’s article was based on research done by the Saunder School of Business. In the study, 170 college students were given roles as salesmen or customers. They were allowed to communicate through various mediums to either sell a product or buy one. The type of communication with the most lying being committed was with texting. “Researchers found deception in 83 percent of those who received text messages; audio chats were close behind at 71 percent. Then came face-to-face in-person contact, with 63.6 percent, and finally video chats, with 43 percent.”

Researchers believe video chats had a lower rate of lying because the awareness that it was being recorded gave it a sense of permanence, and perhaps made the college students a bit more cautious. But, at a 43% rate of lying, even video chats have a pretty sad record.

The test does not mean that 83 percent of text messages are lies or contain lies. What it does seem to indicate though is that if someone is going to tell a lie, the preferred method among younger people is through a text. Perhaps the impersonal nature of it makes it seem more innocent. (http://digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/21/9606853-liars-likely-to-use-texts-to-deceive)

But, lying is never innocent. Even if modern technology makes lying easier, it doesn’t make it any less sinful. And the damage to our reputations and character are every bit as real if we lie in a text message or in a face-to-face conversation.

Whether communicating with old fashioned methods, such as face-to-face talks, or with some new way, the truth of Leviticus 19:11 still bears upon us: “Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another.” Proverbs 19:22 puts an interesting spin on this: “Better to be poor than a liar.” So, no matter how much it hurts today, give your character a fair chance. Tell the truth.

Warren Baldwin

Marriage: "I Wish I'd Said ..."

“I Wish I’d Said ...”

We nodded and said, “Hello.” He went back to his family and I went back to mine. That was the last I saw of him And ever after, I wish I’d said more.

Will and I were both sophomores in high school. Our dads had been business partners and even though Will and I were in separate school districts, we spent a fair amount of time together due to our father’s partnerships. But things fell apart for Will and his family. His dad left the family for another woman, got out of the business partnership, and began drinking heavily. Will and I rarely saw each other after that.

But then, we had the chance meeting at a family park. “Hi.” “Hello.” A smile, a nod. And a week later Will was gone. He was riding on a motorcycle with his dad when they sideswiped a vehicle and Will lost his life.

I can’t think of Will without remembering our last encounter and wishing I’d said more. “Will, I’m sorry for what has gone on in your family, I know it must be hard.” “Call sometime and let’s chat.” Anything. Anything. Just to let him know I cared and valued the friendship we had enjoyed in better times.

Business meetings, chance encounters, and class discussions provide opportunities for us to look back on and think of what we wish we had said. One more sentence might have successfully closed the deal; a few more words might have turned a chance encounter into a budding or even reinvigorated friendship; sharing one more detail in class might have earned the A. We’ll never know.

Friends sometimes tell me of conversational regrets they have, and one of them is frequently, “I wish I’d said.” Often it has to do with a discussion they were having with a parent, child, or even their spouse. It is sad to hear, “I wish I told her I loved her more. Maybe she’d still be around.”

There is only one thing I can suggest to rectify the “Wish I’d Said” syndrome: go back and say it. Unless a situation is so strained that it is inappropriate to go approach the other person (such as after a break up), what’s wrong with giving someone a call and saying, “There’s something I wish I’d said the last time we talked, so I’d like to say it now. Thank you. Or, your friendship has meant a lot to me. Or, you helped me at a critical time in my life. Or, you have done a lot of good in peoples’ lives, and I’m one of them. I appreciate it.”

One of the crucial “I wish I’d said” areas is that of marriage. Husbands and wives withhold saying important things to each other for fear of hurting the other’s feelings. One of the partners may have a habit that is very grating, even offensive to the spouse, but the offended party won’t say anything out of concern for the other’s feelings. That is admirable, but it is also problematic. If you can grow accustomed to the offending practice, and learn to live with it, fine. But if you can’t, it is better to deal with it frankly within the first year or two of marriage then twenty-five years later when it and other problems have the marriage on the breaking point. Honesty and gentleness in communication early on can keep many irritants from becoming explosive problems. But if you waited, and the offending problem is still an issue, don’t dismiss it with, “I wish I’d said.” Say it now, kindly and honestly.

Photo compliments of Amy Free Photography

Willard F. Harley writes about a husband who held onto his “I wish I’d said” for decades. Finally, on their fiftieth wedding anniversary, the husband gave his wife a caustic note about her behavior. He wrote out of anger and frustration and it hurt her. But she loved her husband, addressed the issue, and together they experienced exciting new romance and refreshment (Love Busters, 165-7). How much better it would have been to have shared his feelings in his twenties or thirties instead of waiting until his seventies, so they could have enjoyed an even greater level of companionship for all those years. Perhaps he feared rejection as much as he feared hurting his wife’s feelings. But, at least he got over the “Wish I’d Said,” syndrome and finally opened up his heart.



Maybe your "I wish I’d said" issue is not one of sharing a painful issue between you and your spouse. It may be you wish you’d expressed appreciation for something your husband or wife did. You may regret not expressing the depth of your love and commitment. Why did you hold back? Was it hard to open up? Were you afraid you would become too emotional? Did you fear rejection? Whatever the cause, the fact that you are now reliving the conversation and yearning for another opportunity to express yourself means it is time to sit down with the one you love and say, "Let’s talk."



Warren Baldwin

Click here to read My Husband Can't Communitcate

Articles Worth Reading

Articles Worth Reading

The pictures here have nothing to do with the post, really. I just like wintery shots. The first two I took in front of our house. The third picture is from Alicia's Photography. Alicia does amazing photograpy, and if you like taking pictures, you may want to check out her blog.

Here are some good articles I would like to commend to your consideration.

Kids Are Resilient, by Richard and Jeannalyn May. Richard and Jeannalyn minister to couples. This article is about sparing children from the pain of divorce.

Worship and Justice Must Dance Together, by Chris Blair. Chris is a campus minister in Texas and a fellow classmate of mine in a graduate program we are currently enrolled in.

Sometimes it's Time to go Home, by Denise Hughes. What do Aaron Rodgers and Jacob-the-son-of-Isaac have in common? You'll have to read this post to find out, and it is worth reading.

What I Learned From My Father's Death by Mia Davies. In this touching story Mia recalls her father's suicide and shares how faith has helped her in life.

Hope you enjoy and learn from this reading!

Photo from Alicia Photography.

Warren Balwin

Meaning and Religion

Meaning and Religion

Socrates watched his contemporaries in 400 B.C. frantically pursue wealth, social position and political power. He thought such attainments to be vain and dishonest, and he eschewed them in favor of honesty, goodness and wisdom. Socrates believed the attainment of these higher values required constant and penetrating examination of our beliefs and purposes in life. The problem is, when we are enjoying the pleasures that money can buy, or the popularity that social and political position afford us, we are not too inclined to examine our beliefs or motives.

But, there are three potential situations that can rock our world severely enough to derail our pursuit of wealth and pleasure and cause us to ask the deeper questions about meaning, value and purpose for life. All three situations “entail a fundamental negation of our life, existence, and ideals, that undermine the roothold of our existence and bring the meaning of life into question.”

This last statement is from a Japanese philosopher named Keiji Nishitani, who also identified the three things that can shake us from our pleasure-induced stupor to probe more deeply into the meaning of life. The first of these three is death. Perhaps it is the death of a loved one, or an illness that forces us to face our own mortality. In either case, an impending sense of death “robs one of what had made life worth living ...”

The second thing that forces us to examine our lives is sin. Sin is to act in violation of God’s will. It is the sense of our own failure and inadequacy. Even more, it produces the overwhelming sense that something about life isn’t right. Sin has damaged everything, including our personal sense of worth and our relations with others. We have been hurt by the sin of others and have damaged others ourselves. A sense of sin is a sense that something of great value has been lost.

The third situation that promotes personal examination is what Nishitani calls nihility, or meaninglessness. Meaninglessness is the sense that nothing about this life really matters any more, since it can’t satisfy. Corporate promotions, financial gains and social standing no longer provide satisfaction when a sense of nihility creeps in. We sense that our successes serve only to mask the deeper pain of an unidentified yearning deep inside. (The quotes and points from Nishitani are from Robert C. Solomon, Introducing Philosophy, 127-9).

Prior to a sense of our own impending death, an awareness of our sin, and a feeling of nihility (or meaninglessness), if people do contemplate things of deeper value, they may ask, “What is the meaning of religion? What purpose does it serve?” These questions betray a self-satisfied attitude about life. Things are going well, our needs our being met, our relationships are basically happy and fulfilling. What else do we need? In such a satisfied state, there is no reason to probe the deeper issues, such as ultimate meaning or fulfillment. If there is any validity to religious claims, if there is a god, there is not much cause to investigate him since whatever he is doing it seems to be working out pretty good for our lives!

But when death, sin or meaninglessness invade our senses, contentment and self-satisfaction can melt away, leaving us struggling. Despair, even panic, can overwhelm us. In such a state our questions change. We no longer ask, “What is the meaning of religion?” or “What purpose does it serve?” Instead, we ask questions like, “What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Am I missing something bigger?” The questions are much more personal, penetrating, even painful.

These questions are actually part of a religious quest, a quest to move beyond the physical and material realm to the unseen and spiritual. They invariably lead to other questions, such as, “What is life really about? What am I here for? Is there a God? And if there is, what is he doing?”

This is a painful transition, but it can be a good one. There is a chance we can move beyond counting our possessions and the other popular quests for significance, and probe the issues of deeper spiritual yearning. In the process, we might find God. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, God has “set eternity in the hearts of men.” Could dissatisfaction with our material lot in life be a hint of that eternity? It’s possible. Just another example of God’s mystery and power for today.

Warren Baldwin

Steve Jobs and Starbucks

Steve Jobs and Starbucks

One of the things that made Steve Jobs successful was his sense of humor. Though he was often hard-driven and even overbearing to his employees, his humorous side was able to show itself at times. The episode below is one such time. Steve was demonstrating some iPhone features during one of his presentations to thousands of Apple stockholders. Hence the following call to Starbucks.



Humor. It is God's gift to you. Enjoy some with your Starbucks coffee today! WB

Homelessness in America

Homelessness in America

Homelessness is rising in America. For Christians in America, this is both a grim reality but also a promising opportunity to serve.

The facts are harsh. One millions, six hundred thousand American children are homeless. That is a 38% increase over the last three years. These figures were released in December 2011 by the National Center on Family Homelessness. The report is entitled, “America’s Youngest Outcasts 2011.”

The National Center on Family Homelessness was started in 1988, according to Dr. Ellen Bassuk, the president and founder of the organization, to address the emerging problem of family homelessness taking place across America. In 1988, families comprised only 1% of the homeless population. But today, family homelessness accounts for up to 38% of Americans who do not live in a house, but live in a homeless shelter or even on the street.

Dr. Bassuk said that family homeless has been a problem for only a few brief periods over the last 100 years, such as during the Great Depression or severe recessions. But today, it is an epidemic. Part of the problem is Wall Street speculation, otherwise known as greed, and Washington complicity.

Dr. Bassuk continued, “We are seeing more dads who are out there with their kids alone, and more two-parent families. And we’re also seeing more families who are living in shelters and going to work from the shelter. If you have a minium-wage job and work full time, there is nowhere in the country where you can afford a two-bedroom apartment at fair-market value.”

She said the hardest hit by homelessness are the young children. As many as half of the homeless children are under six years of age. “A lot of these children are living in cars and abandoned buildings,” she added.

The hardest hit states are California, New York, Texas, Florida, Illinois (particularly in Chicago) and Arizona. Los Angels alone has an estimated 335,000 homeless children. Dr. Bassuk said, “We’re an affluent nation, and this is an emerging third world.” (Interview with Dave Gahary, American Free Press, Jan. 23, 2012, p.3. cf. http://www.americanfreepress.net/).

Reading this makes me wish that we had followed Thomas Jefferson’s economic and political advice for the last fifty years. Two hundred years ago he spoke about this sort of abuse, and the consequences to follow, if we became complacent. ("The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a alarge scale." "It [paper currency] is liable to be abused, has been, is, and forever will be abused, in every country where it is permitted.") His warnings, sadly, have proven true.

And Christians in America can’t remain complacent. I mentioned at the beginning that the current homeless crisis in America is a grim reality, but I also suggested that it is a promising opportunity. It is a promising opportunity because it is an avenue for us to show the compassion and love of Christ that is so desperately needed in all sectors of our society and culture.

“Religion (or spirituality) that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” This verse in James 1:27 speaks to both problems addressed in this article. One, the problem of greed and avarice that leaves people financially broken, and families horribly stressed. Two, the problem of people without homes and adequate food. Christians need to distance themselves from the lust for more, and be grateful for what we have. And we need to be moved to reach out and help others.

While there might not be many, or any, homeless in an area where many of us live, that does not absolve us of any responsibility to help. There are church ministries in America’s major cities that we can support even if we don’t live there. Who knows, the homeless ministry we support today may be the very organization that grants us relief tomorrow should the economic crisis strike that close to home. We can’t stop the crisis, but we can alleviate it’s devastating affects if we will be faithful and strike out in confidence in God’s power to work through us.

Warren Baldwin