Anonymous Intimacy

Anonymous Intimacy

Social media (blogging, FaceBook, Twitter, etc.) have spawned a strange phenomenon identified as anonymous intimacy. Intimacy is the trust developed over time with another person that allows us to bare our souls and share our deepest, most personal thoughts.

Shane Hipps says, “Intimacy happens the moment we are invited into the exclusive VIP room of another person’s life. Intimacy always follows the statement, ‘I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before.’ These are risky words of deep trust and vulnerability.” (Flickering Pixels, p.113).

Intimacy is confessing sin to a friend or accountability partner. Intimacy is patting a buddy’s shoulder when he has confessed a major flaw to you, and you offer understanding and acceptance in return. Intimacy is what you share at the deepest emotional, spiritual and physical levels with your husband wife.

Intimacy occurs in contexts of exclusivity. That means, the person to whom bare your heart and soul is someone you trust, allowing you to reveal a side of yourself that is singularly reserved for that person. To be intimately connected with another, as a friend and confidant, or as a spouse (especially as a spouse), is one of the highest compliments we can offer the other and receive from them in return.

Intimacy is preserved so long as the trust, information and love is shared exclusively between the parties uniquely involved. Once the information is made available to others, it is no longer exclusive, and the intimacy begins to diminish. Hipps adds that it is “the exclusivity of personal information (that) creates conditions of intimacy.” Hence, take away the private, personal nature of the information, or the emotional connection, and intimacy in undermined.

So what is anonymous intimacy? Real intimacy is what we share with another living, breathing human being. Anonymous intimacy is what we share with masses of people in social media contexts. Hipps defines anonymous intimacy as “the feeling of a relationship, but one that hasn’t been, and likely never will be, face to face.” He cites internet pornography as an example, where personal and private images are shared with complete strangers. Pornography, whether in print or digital form, offers the illusion (delusion, really) of being in intimate connection with another person. In reality, it is a sinful and tragic substitute for genuine intimacy with a real being. This is the ultimate in anonymous intimacy.

Anonymous intimacy is having 2,000 friends on Facebook, but not knowing half of them personally. It is the tendency to blog, tweet, or fb personal details of our lives that previously we would have held in check. It is the feeling that we are “connected,” yet we don’t really know the people we are connected to. We confuse pixels and people.

The real danger of anonymous intimacy, according to Hipps, is that “it provides just enough connection to keep us from pursuing real intimacy” (P.114). Real intimacy, as opposed to pixel intimacy, is created in contexts of actual people dwelling together in the messy business of life. Real intimacy is risky. It means our closest friend, even our covenant partner, can shatter our world with disappointment or betrayal. It is offending and being offended; hurting and being hurt; rejecting and being rejected; forgiving and being forgiven. Real intimacy is a welcoming handshake when a friend accepts your apology, and you. It is the hug that follows your spouse saying, “You hurt me deeply, but I still love you.” Real intimacy is personal, trusting, risky and exclusive.

Photo compliments of Project Alicia Photography

Real intimacy is life. It is your wife, your husband, your children, your parents, and the incredibly wonderful experiences and emotions you have shared through many years. Real intimacy is laying your life down for those people that you love. For a picture of real intimacy you need look no further than the cross. If you want real intimacy, take that cross upon yourself as you help bear the burdens of another.

Warren Baldwin

Encouraging Our Spouses

Encouraging Our Spouses

Husbands and wives are the best suited to recognize and point out each other’s faults. They are, after all, deeply engrossed in each other’s lives. They are there when the alarm blares, the kids are ushered off to school, and the lights are turned out. They see each other in every possible circumstance, both good and bad.

You can hide your dark side for only so long from the one who is always there and always watching. Which is why husbands and wives are the best suited to recognize and call attention to each other’s shortcomings.

You’re always late.
You eat too much.
You’re always critical.
You never remember our special days.
You expect too much.
You are never happy.
You never appreciate the things I do for you.
You are a slob.
  You’re just like your mother. You’re just like your father.
You don’t spend enough time with the kids.
You spend too much time with the kids and have no time for me.
You don’t do enough around here.
Well, that’s ok, because as of right now, I’m out of here.

Husbands and wives are uniquely equipped to spot every flaw in their mate and exploit them. And how sad it is that some of us do that.

The same closeness that gives us insight into our mate’s flaws also gives us insight into their strengths. With the same ease we recognize their defects and imperfections we can recognize and acknowledge their virtues. All we need is a changed heart, one that seeks not to find the weak spots to gouge and exploit them, but one that seeks the good things to acknowledge and appreciate them.

Thanks to Amy Free Photography for the picture

With even minimal effort the destructive speech patterns of husbands and wives who are critical of and vindictive toward each other can become wholesome and uplifting.

Thank you for thinking of me in the ways that you do.
Thanks for the work you do for our family.
I appreciate you remembering.
I was so encouraged when you looked my way, winked, and smiled.
I don’t know how I’d manage around here without you.
Thanks for putting up with me.

In their great book, Love & War, John and Stasi Eldredge say, “Encouragement has got to be one of the greatest offerings of true companionship. You, better than anyone, know your mate’s story, and you know where the enemy likes to stick it to them. You can see when they are down, and your words of encouragement can lift them up again. Like a bridge over troubled water ... Pray for one another. Encourage one another” (119).

Appreciation. Gratitude. Encouragement. This is the language of those who take seriously God’s plan for two becoming one and journeying through life together.

One last thing ... as you notice your mate making attempts to recognize and acknowledge your role in your life, you might occasionally say, “Thanks for the encouragement.”

Warren Baldwin

Devotional Book on 1 Corinthians

Devotional Book on 1 Corinthians

The Love Walk

“Love is patient, love is kind. It dos not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

This section of scripture is a favorite at weddings, and for good reason. Every young husband or wife thrills at the prospect of a marriage energized by a love so pure, so wholesome, and so pervasive, that it will weather all storms and conquer all attacks against it. Love will triumph. And that is a healthy attitude take into marriage. We expect that. But, what we can’t expect is how our love will be tested in the deepest reserves of our being.

It turns out that 1 Corinthians 13 was not just written for young lovers on their wedding day. It was written for all Christians for every walk of life. The writer of these words, Paul, explains what love is and what love is not. He gives us a look at both sides of the subject.

Every relationship we are in, every encounter we have with people, is to be buttressed with love. That does mean these relationships are to be syrupy and emotional. It means what 1 Cor. 13 says they should be. First, in every encounter and relationship we will seek to avoid the negative: envy, boasting pride, rudeness, self-seeking gain, remembering offenses, and delighting in evil or harm. Secondly, we will seek to practice patience, kindness, protection of the other, trust, hope, and perseverance in the relationship. These are not sappy, over-sentimental qualities, as some think of love. No, they are the building blocks of the foundation for any relationship to build upon. Without these qualities, evil attitudes will proliferate and prevail and good will and intentions will slowly drift away. What will remain are angry, critical attitudes. Have you ever seen that happen in relationships?

It is a good idea for all Christians to spend time with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, not just to read these verses occasionally, but to devote time, thought and prayer to them. They can and will transform any life devoted to them.

To help with that, author Amanda Beth has written a fifteen-week devotional guide for this passage. The caption on amazon says of the book: "Each chapter includes an encouragement, a prayer, verses to meditate on, and one verse to memorize to support you in your love walk. Additionally, at the end of each chapter there are questions to reflect on for personal evaluation or group study.”

This is the second of Amanda’s books I’ve read. The first was You Can Have a Happy Family. Two things characterize both of these books. One, all of her discussion is deeply rooted in scripture. Two, they both are very practical and applicable to life. She brings the discussion down to the level we live at. For example, in her discussion of rudeness, she explains and shows how subtly a rude spirit can emanate from our being, in either our speech or behavior, through belittling comments or condescending behavior (rolling the eyes, huffing, and grumbling). We might fancy we are not rude people, but our subtle, inappropriate behavior can escape our scrutiny (pp.40-41).

I particularly liked her discussion on pride. Amanda defines pride very simply as when “we inflate our value and devalue others (p.34).” Also very interesting was her discussion on “love always protects.” Do we really think seriously about relating to people in ways that protects the quality of their lives and the relationship we have with them?

The Love Walk is a 104 page book that will stimulate your thinking in biblical and practical ways to love better.

Warren Baldwin

Note: The Love Walk and Amanda's other books can be viewed on Amanda's Website 

The Final Moments

Note: This article was prompted by a post I read by Parker, Amazing Grace, on the blog, Racing Towards Joy. I wrote it a few days ago, but decided to publish it today in light of the tragedy in Oklahoma. All of our hearts are heavy for the families that lost their homes, and especially for those who lost loved ones. Our prayers go up for them. We never know when we will face our final moments with those we love, so let's use all of our moments in ways that are wholesome and healthy.

The Final Moments

“Today begins a new battle. One I cannot even define yet.”

With these words a young man named Parker faces the impending death of his close friend and godfather, Ray Jack, while also continuing to process the sudden death of his father only eighteen months before.

Parker continues, “I have few words right now. Here's what I do know. I know Ray Jack loves me. I love him. I know the Lord loves Ray Jack and I know the Lord loves me. I know if the Lord takes Ray Jack soon, I will see him again, but I will miss him greatly. Ray Jack is and has been a strong voice in my life. A very dependable and honest voice. A voice of experience. A loving, caring voice.” http://www.racingtowardsjoy.com/2011/02/amazing-grace.html

While reading Parker’s story I thought of Joseph as he faced the impending death of his father, Jacob. When he was told, “Your father is ill,” Joseph took his two sons straight to their grandfather for what could be their last visit together.

Jacob’s eyesight was poor. “Who are these?” he asked Joseph of his two boys. “They are the sons God has given me.” Joseph replied. “Bring them to me so I may bless them,” Jacob said. Jacob blessed his grandsons, pronouncing God’s favor over them. He pulled the boys in close to him, embraced them, and kissed them.

From kbcyouth.wordpress.com

Jacob said to his son, “I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children, too.” It was a great moment for the old man. He went on. “I am about to die, but God will be with you and take you back to the land of your fathers.”

Jacob is old and dying. Joseph is young and longing. He is longing for his father, for more time with him, for some of that “dependable and honest voice” that Parker has experienced with his good friend, Ray Jack, and hopes to draw from again.

God spared Jacob long enough to pronounce final words over all of his sons, and then the time came. When it did, the Bible says “Joseph threw himself upon his father and wept over him and kissed him.” (Genesis 50:1)

Even though Jacob had died, his persona lived on in the lives of his boys. Jacob made his sons promise that they would not bury him in Egypt where he died, but would take him back to the home place and bury him in the family plot, or, in the case of Jacob, the family cave. They honored their father’s voice and fulfilled his request.

Joseph was blessed to have that warning about his dad. There was a narrow slice of time for him to be at his father’s side, embrace him one last time, and receive some more blessings from the strong voice he so respected and admired.

Parker was hoping for some of that same positive experience with his cherished mentor. He wrote, “I hope to discover how to cherish hours, minutes, and seconds. I hope to see another miraculous healing. If I must, I hope to discover how to say "see you later" to someone on their way to see the Father face to face.”

Though we may not have received that message about someone we love, the message that says, “the time is almost here,” we all have someone in our lives that is old, ill, or weak. Does Joseph and Parker’s experience prompt us to be at their side? To give them a call? If any old injuries or grievances persist, forgive them. Let the last moments be ones of blessing and honor. Use the final slices of time to revel in the dependable and honest voice that gave you strength in the past, and can continue to guide you in the future.

Warren Baldwin

Note: Remember to check out  Amazing Grace and Racing Towards Joy.

Culture of Chastity #2

Culture of Chastity #2

In part one I described a culture of chastity as an environment where we encourage each other to make choices that are safe, wise, and godly. Some people would disagree with that, saying, “What I do is my business, not yours. If you don’t approve of what I do for fun, too bad.”

But, what you do for pleasure is my business, and what I do for pleasure is your business. If your pursuit of pleasure involves risky dating relationships and moral behavior, is that really only your concern? What happens if there is an unplanned pregnancy, and now a teenage girl is seeking public assistance? Her pleasure has now become our financial burden. That is our business. What if the father is a deadbeat dad who skips out on his child’s formative years? Instead of being taught discipline and hard work by a responsible father, the boy may learn the perverse ways of the streets, and become a young criminal. If he breaks into my house or yours to steal or do us physical harm, isn’t that our business?

Photo compliments of Amy Free Photography

We haven’t thought through this notion of  “my pleasure is my business, not yours” very thoroughly. When the rest of society is required to pay the bills and pick up the pieces of someone else’s misbehavior, it is very much our business. But, the issue is even bigger.

As Christians, we are called to model the very life of Jesus Christ. The life of Jesus was one of thoughtful concern for others, seeking their best interests, and disciplining, even subjecting, his own needs and wants to the best interests of others. His physical hunger was set aside in the interests of addressing the spiritual hunger of the woman at the well (John 4). Jesus didn’t know about any self-indulgent autonomy; he knew about community. In community, we think about what is best for everyone, not just self. And, the author of this community was God. Jesus came to do the will of the Father, and that will was to serve others.

Our culture is one of seeking our own interests. God’s culture is one of seeking the interests of others. What Lauren was trying to do with her friend M was introduce him to the culture of a godly community where we are concerned about the personal and moral choices of other people. She doesn’t want M or anyone else to make the right moral choices just because we might have to pay their bills if they get a disease, have an unwanted pregnancy, or have their child end up in prison. She wants people to make the right moral choices because it is the right and moral thing to do. And by challenging M to stay home on Friday night, and by following up with a phone call on Saturday, she is presenting her friend with a new culture.

It is hard to be chaste and moral in any age, not just this one. Jesus faced this problem in his day. When he rescued an entrapped woman from the clutches of her accusers, he didn’t condemn her, but he didn’t approve of her behavior, either. He said, “Go now, and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11). He was making her accountable in the new culture he was bringing.

Lauren wrote, “M’s email is a reminder. Sometimes adopting chastity is as simple as reading a book ... or attending a lecture, and then making a change in your life. But for many of us, it is the relearning of a basic story. It requires prayer, teaching, work, reformation, even weeping. It requires that we tell each other the story of the gospel, and the narrative of chastity, over and over and over. To embrace chastity is to reconstruct a culture, and the reconstruction of a culture doesn’t happen overnight.” (Real Sex, P.158)

Those of us who are concerned about the options out there for our kids, their friends, their influences, and their choices, are actually concerned about the culture they live in that encourages their selfish pursuit of what makes them happy. As concerned parents, citizens, and Christians, we are then tasked with using our influence, prayer, teaching, and intervention in their lives to reshape the culture that influences their decisions. We want to reform the environment so it is more chastity-friendly for people of all ages. We seek an environment that models the life of Jesus, whose life and ministry did not take from others for his joy, but gave to others for their spiritual and moral benefit.

So if you have a friend that plans on partying Friday night, feel free to tell him you are going to call Saturday morning and inquire about what he did. It really is your business.

Warren Baldwin

Culture of Chastity #1

Culture of Chastity #1

Lauren Winner wrote, “To embrace chastity is to reconstruct a culture, and the reconstruction of a culture doesn’t happen overnight.” (Real Sex, p.158)

Lauren wrote these words in response to an email from twenty-five year old man she calls ‘M’ who had become a Christian only a few years before. The man wrote Lauren about an invitation he received to visit a young woman in her apartment late one night. The invitation was laden with sexual overtones, and he wanted to know what to do. He wanted to go! But, he also knew that going to that woman’s apartment would undermine the spiritual life he was trying to lead now, one of discipline, chastity, and holiness.

M wrote: “I know that as a Christian I’m not supposed to have sex before marriage, but you and I both know I’ve already had sex before marriage. Why shouldn’t I have sex if I’m already ‘used goods’? ... And why should I wait if God forgives anyway? ... I’ve often heard that you should save yourself for your wife, that remaining a virgin will make you a better husband. I’m apparently already destined to be a lousy husband, so what does it matter if I have sex again a few more times?” (P.150)

Before M became a Christian, he lived in a world where it was easy to indulge the desires of the body and satisfy them however he chose. In his letter to Lauren he writes about how easy it is to hook-up with someone for an evening of indulgence, without any promises, commitments, or, apparently, any guilt. That world of bodily satisfaction and pleasure was his culture. His mind and body were oriented toward open, uncommitted encounters with women, and by their expectations and behavior, the people in his world reinforced those expectations.

Our culture is the sights we see, the air we breathe, and the sounds we hear. We can’t shut out much of what goes on in our culture because it is so much bigger than we are and it is so pervasive. Billboard pictures, songs on the radio, advertisements on tv and popular movies all promote a morality that is about self: having fun, being served, seeking pleasure, all for the moment, without long term commitments, without guilt, without consequences. That is our culture. All these images and impressions make their mark in our minds and hearts. Middle school children drink the cool aid of the culture, and their hearts and behavior are constructed along the lines of the cultural mandate: have fun. Don’t wait. Marriage is a long way off, but that boy or girl is here now.

That is part of the tension M was facing. He is a young Christian man trying to live chastely is a culture that laughs at discipline, morality, and purity. What is he supposed to do? How does he resist? Why should he take sexual purity seriously when so much of the world seems not to?

That is why M emailed his friend, Lauren Winner, author of the fabulous book Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity. Lauren wrote M back, challenging him to not go to the woman’s apartment, and then saying she was going to call on Saturday morning and ask him what he did on Friday night ... That is a bold move. More than that, it is an affront to our cherished notions of autonomy and self-choice. M could easily respond to Lauren, “It is none of your business what I do” or “Who do you think you are crossing a line like that! I asked for your opinion, but I didn’t invite your intrusion into my affairs, such as you grilling me about who I sleep with.”

Photo compliment of Jhen Stark Photography

Lauren’s challenge to M is unexpected and unwelcome in our culture today. But it is also a very needed corrective. She is trying to change the culture in which we all live and function. We have grown so accustomed to the sexual jokes and messages, the explicit advertisements and the raw Hollywood presentations of sexuality, that we accept it as the norm. Further, many of us Christians have also bought into present notions of independence, autonomy, and pleasure seeking. “What I do is my business, not yours. If you don’t approve of what I do for fun, too bad.”

But, what you do for pleasure is my business, and what I do for pleasure is your business. Do you believe that? If not, please check back for part two of this article. Also, feel free to leave comments about your thoughts. Thank you,

Warren Baldwin

Philip Jacob Spener: The Father of Small Groups

Philip Jacob Spener #1

The Father of Small Groups

I’ll wager many of us have never heard the name Philip Jacob Spener before. But, at one time, he was a popular and much-sought-after preacher.

Spener preached in the 1600s in Germany. He preached during a time of intense political and religious debate. So intense was the debate that governments and churches went to war. Literally. Religious issues wedded to political concerns led to the killing of millions of people. In one war lasting three decades, and appropriately called the Thirty Years War, some 8 ½ million people were killed in Germany alone. In a time when we are alert to and cognizant of the merging of political and religious issues by other religious groups, we must never forget our own inclinations and excesses in this area.

Philip Jacob Spener. Photo from Wikipedia

Following the Thirty Years War, when nearly every German could count a family member or friend who had died by violence, famine or abuse, the average citizen was weary and disillusioned by politics and religion. Neither the government nor the church seemed very concerned about the welfare of the average Joe. Many Germans still went to church, but they also felt a certain disconnect to spiritual things. Drinking became the preferred activity of many.

In this environment young Philip Jacob Spener took up his Bible and began to preach. After many years he saw little or no change in the spiritual outlook and life of the average church goer. Worldly activity was still much preferred to the spiritual by more people than Spener liked. He wrestled intensely in study, thought and prayer as to how to change this situation.

In time, Philip Jacob Spener developed a number of ideas for spiritual renewal, six of which he presented in a book entitled, Pia Desideria, or pious longings. His first proposal was that “Thought should be given to a more extensive use of the Word of God among us.”

As much as Spener believed in preaching from the pulpit, he said more exposure to the Bible was needed if the Word was going to teach reprove, correct and train Christians in righteousness. He proposed three ways in which scripture can be given life in the body. One, families should be encouraged to read the Bible daily in the home. Two, the public reading of scripture in a Christian assembly at times other than the public service. Entire books should be read, with little or no commentary provided. Three, the initiation of apostolic meetings patterned after those of 1 Corinthians 14:26-40. Such occasions would allow for those other than ordained ministers to read and comment on scripture, and those with questions or doubts would be free to express them.

Spener envisioned members in these meetings being open and honest with their ideas and struggles. This would bind the members together, but it would also make them targets for those inclined to exploit such vulnerability. Thus, he cautioned care and diligence will be needed to guard against and weed out any who were troublesome.

Really, what Spener is describing with these apostolic meetings are simply small, informal groups of believers that would meet to discuss the Bible, spiritual things, and personal needs that the body could assist with. Spener hoped the revival of these meetings would provide such beneficial results as allowing ministers to get to know their members’ spiritual strengths and weaknesses, develop trust between ministers and members, and provide members an opportunity to exercise their gifts.

Spener's ideas were revolutionary in 1675 when they were published. They continued to be revolutionary as they were put into practice in Germany, England, and eventually, even the American colonies. I suspect that small groups of Christians meeting today with the express purpose of encouraging and edifying each other would be just as revolutionary and beneficial. What do you think? Can we be as proactive as Spener in promoting the preaching of the Word and the growth of Christians? If so, I’m sure we’ll experience, like Philip Spener, the full measure of God’s power at work in our lives and churches.

Warren Baldwin